drunk mantis
by Empress of Everything
Summary: How on earth had the party gone downhill so fast? Fairy Tail parties usually did after a few hours but Lucy had hoped, just this once, that it maybe could be a little peaceful. She just wanted to celebrate her first pregnancy with a nice party. Not the drunken riot Fairy Tail turned everything into. And now Freed was a praying mantis...{BixLu}


**A/N:** _This is what happens when I have late night conversations with a BixLu fanatic (you know who you are) about a picture where Freed looks somewhat akin to a praying mantis. Crazy madness occurs and it's hilarious._

* * *

"'M tellin' ya, Cosplay'r, we should go out som'time."

How on earth had the party gone downhill so fast? Fairy Tail parties usually did after a few hours but Lucy had hoped, just this once, that it maybe could be a little peaceful. She just wanted to celebrate her first pregnancy with a nice party. Not the drunken riot Fairy Tail turned everything into.

And to top it all off, her darling husband was drunk off his face.

And hitting on her.

Okay, he always hit on her and flirted in public. It was just his personality. But when he was drunk…Bixlow tended to get a little…touchy-feely and very, very clingy. Case and point: he was leaning all over her, trying to ask her out on a date. She loved him, she really, really did, but if he didn't get off of her right now, their first baby would be their last and she would be a widow.

Thankfully, while drunk Bixlow had the attention span of a 4 year old.

"Look! It's Mantis Freed!" Bixlow pointed at Freed, a wild gleam in his uncovered eyes. The babies hovered around him, spinning and giggling, changing 'Mantis, mantis' over and over. Lucy's whole face flushed scarlet. Freed's mouth hung open in horror. Being one of the only sober people in the guild, he tried not to take offense at Bixlow's sudden proclamation. But _why_ did he look like a praying mantis?

He began backpedaling as Bix approached him, red eyes wide and his hands coming up to rest on his head. Freed froze. _Now_ what?

"Freed is a mantis! Look, his antennae are wiggling like a mantis!" Bixlow wriggled his fingers on top of his head, trying to imitate what in his drunken haze he thought a praying mantis would look like. "Mantis, mantis!" The babies cheered, zooming around in excitement. Poor Freed spluttered out disagreements that he was a mantis but Bix ignored him and kept on crowing. The ensuing chase around the guild lasted a good long time.

Freed never quite recovered.

One of the babies, Pappa, flew over to sit next to Lucy. The little soul sighed and cuddled close to his master's pregnant wife. "Bix is an idiot," he hummed to Lucy. She rolled her eyes and nodded. "That he is, Pappa. But you have to admit it's kind of funny watching him terrorize poor Freed." The little totem giggled and nuzzled Lucy's belly where he knew the newest member of their family was growing. He was happy for Bixlow and Lucy. A new baby in the household would be fun.

Though, he rather hoped the baby would be like Lucy and a little less like Bixlow. The world could only take one Bixlow.

* * *

"Whoa!" Bix shouted suddenly. He'd finally given up his chase of Freed and returned to Lucy's side. Lucy had been leaning against his shoulder and nearly fell off the bench when he flinched. "When did I get married?!"

Lucy's eyebrows shot straight up in horror. This was too much. Bixlow had forgotten they were married? She could overlook a few minor lapses, like forgetting he was part of Fairy Tail and trying to go home with Sabertooth ( _it had happened before_ ) or not knowing his first name ( _also something that had happened before_ ) but forgetting entirely that he was married? That was going too far. She groaned and dropped her head into her hands. A small flash on her left hand caught Bixlow's attention.

"Hey look, Cosplayer, you're married too!" Bixlow's big hand grabbed her much smaller one and lifted it up. He turned it, admiring the pretty ring adorning her hand. It was nothing fancy; a simple silver wedding band and matching engagement ring set with an amethyst with two small rubies set on either side. It was a perfect ring for a perfect woman. He frowned as a thought intruded on his contemplation of her slim hand.

Another man had seen the perfection contained within Lucy Heartfilia and now she belonged heart and soul to that man. He obviously hadn't made a move like he'd planned. Another man won Lucy's heart and he was left without her shining soul. But he was married as well. How on earth had he moved on from his Cosplayer? What other woman managed to catch his attention and take it away from her?

There was no woman who could compare to Lucy. Mirajane had tried to set him up with so many different women over the years, including but not limited to all of his female guildmates and Mages from the other guilds. But it was no use. He was still stuck on Lucy.

His frown deepened.

He didn't like this. Who on earth could have possibly stolen the Celestial Mage?

"Bixlow?" Her soft voice broke through his thoughts. Through the slight haze, he could make out Lucy's worried face. She tugged his head down to rest on her lap. Bixlow stiffened. He didn't want that husband of hers to come out of nowhere and rip him a new one for cuddling his wife. If he were married to Lucy, he'd be just as protective of the small woman. But once her fingers began threading through his hair, he gave up and slipped into a dreamless sleep.

* * *

Every time he got drunk and woke with a roaring, pounding headache, Bixlow swore up and down he wouldn't get drunk again.

Did he keep to that vow?

Of course not.

His head throbbed. Whoever decided sunlight was a good invention clearly needed to their head checked. His groans were more prehistoric animal than human being.

Wait. That sounded like something Lucy would say.

Lucy. Where was she?

"Well, good morning, sunshine," an amused voice greeted him from above. Bixlow moaned and tried to roll to the side, only to be met with a bright pink dress and rounded belly. He craned his head up and up, wincing at the light, and met his wife's eyes. Lucy looked way too chipper for the time of day.

"Did you sleep good, love?" Her brown eyes danced with a hidden joke in the depths. Normally that would put him on his guard (she'd learned pranking from a master, after all) but as he contemplated death, her mischievous tone wasn't on his mind.

"Yeah," he muttered groggily. Sitting up probably wasn't a good idea but he did it anyway. His babies zipped behind him and helped prop him up. A wave of nausea crashed over him and nearly knocked him back over. Only through sheer force of will did he stay upright. "Man, last night must've been one hell of a party…" Bixlow massaged his forehead. Lucy's laughter finally burst through the dam of her hand clamped over her mouth.

Oh that wasn't good. He stared at Lucy with concern. Each time she calmed down and stopped giggling, one look at his confused, visorless face would send her off into a fit of laughter. "I…I'm sorry!" She howled, collapsing against the seat back, still snickering every now and then. "You, oh Bix, you should've seen what you did last night."

With dawning horror in his face and voice, he stuttered out the vital question.

"Lucy…what _did_ I do last night?"

* * *

It wasn't until a week later that he found out about the video Laxus had taken.


End file.
